It is somehow empty without you here. If I could, I would not let you go from my nest. But I know that this is how the things go. I know that If I were a different person, perhaps you would… You wouldn’t run away from me? You would just move out, like children do when they grow up.
I want you to know that I do not hold any grudges. Not anymore. I was furious at the beginning. I blamed you for thinking only about yourself. But in fact, I was afraid to face the truth. If I only could, I would run away from myself.
I want to say sorry for my behavior. For loving you too much. For treating you like my property. During twenty three years of your life I said a lot of bitter words to you. I thought I will save you from the evil world. When you heard me saying that you looked like a trollop in this dress, deep in my heart, I was proud that I have so beautiful daughter. But I also admit that I was jealous of you. Probably this is the reason I wanted to make your life misery, so you would not think that everything comes so easily. I was filled with pathological love and jealousy at the same time. I wanted you to feel what I was feeling at your age.
I still remember that day, late evening to be precise, when you came back from your friend’s party. When I forbade you to go out again, you screamed that all of your friends participate in home-parties, only you do not. I hit your face. I wanted to obscure the truth. You were right. Teenagers at your age went to parties, cut classes, were smoking, drinking alcohol. Girls like you started dating, and then sobbed into their mother’s shoulders, cursing their unrequited loves. I wanted to help you avoid these things. I wanted you to be obedient.
You were absolutely right, when you rebelled against the study faculty I picked for you. You obviously passed your secondary school exams and graduated with first class honors. After several weeks of silence, mutual avoidance, quarrels and epithets, you gave up. You went to a medical school.
I was even prouder that I raised my daughter like this. I usurped all your accomplishments. I could not afford to waste all life devoted to you, your education and upbringing. I bragged about it at every venue.
You have accomplished so many things that I was overwhelmed by the fact that it would be impossible without my endeavor. Everything seemed to form a logical, perfect image. The exact image I generated in my head.
These were the most beautiful moments of my life. Until you left me a brief note:
„Mom, I dropped the school. I am not happy. Do not look for me. Ann”.
I silently cursed you as an ungrateful wastrel, lazy girl and used a lot worse words. I will admit that I feel ashamed now. Instead of being worried where did you go, where you run away, I was more concerned how to explain all of this to my colleagues. Bitterness embedded deep in my heart. I felt cheated by you. So many years of supporting you, giving you shelter, watching you, encouraging to study. Everything, everything went down the plughole in an instant.
I struggled, day by day, with unhappiness, anger and shame for your behavior. But somewhere deep in my head I had a letter inscribed for you. „I am not happy, I am not happy, I am not happy…”
I argued with myself. What can you know about luck? If you were at my age, if you saw what I had seen, perhaps you would appreciate what others do for you.
This is how I spent first few weeks after your flight. But one day I noticed that you’re not here. And you had always been around. I even told you to study in the same town, so that you would not need to move out. At one point, I heard how my girl friends gossip, talk about their children who were studying abroad, travelling around the world or starting their own families. They all had one thing in common, they did what they actually wanted to do. And I expected you to fulfil my expectations. I wanted to be proud of you. To brag about you when I was meeting my friends. Because… because I didn’t have anything else to brag about.
I did not raise you, I trained you. I did not love wisely, but in a toxic way. I did not teach you how to be independent, responsible, find your own path and proceed on it, I beset you and wanted to lock you in a golden cage.
I was a horrible mother. I thought only about myself and about what other people will say. I ignored your opinions. I hope one day you will forgive me all bad things I did to you, all evil words and actions, all my mistakes. But I will understand if you won’t do this. I also admire you for your courage and wisdom, that you decided to fight for your happiness. And I do not want to say that you should thank me for this. I am aware that I was the main obstacle for you to achieve goals that are most beautiful.
I want you to know that I love you. I will not take back all those years, all those events. I left so many bad memories and scars on your heart. Only now I realize that graduation with first class honors or a prestigious university is not the most important thing in the world. The crucial thing is to be happy, to unburden your heart from sadness, feeling of guilt, grief and responsibility. It should be filled with love.
I realized this far too late. I regret that and I am sorry for this. I love you with my imperfect love. Find your love and peace on your way to happiness.